My Perilous Curse

3:24PM - My love is never enough in world full of ice

In this world, we often find ourselve looking for love. True love.
But will we ever find it? or will we search, and search, and search until we finally waste away and become one with the earth?
These answers, I find, will most likely never be answered. Because how they be answered if no one really knows the truth.

I'm not here to rain on your parade. I'm here to tell you the reality of it all.

I am not the right person to seek out for advice on love either.  Looking back at my "LOVE LIFE", I'm pretty sure I wouldn't give it a second thought. Often I find myself being the one let down. For the wrong reasons I am left behind while my once upon a time partners go looking for the next best thing. I was the best thing. I was the kind of guy who would put them first. I was the one who showed compassion. Even if they were into bad things... I never once told them to stop. I put my self in the line of fire, only to be shot down constantly. Ever time a relationship ends: I'm left with the blame. Everything becomes my fault and I'm left with all the guilt. as always; I became the reason for misfortune.

But I know something new. I don't need a man to keep me alive.


It's my friends taht keep my heart beating.

Current mood: accomplished

7:41PM - Evil Spreads Online

It's true. Evil does spread online. In Resident Evil Outbreak that is! I'm about to go meet my buddies for some hard core ZOMBIE AND CREATURE ASS KICKING!!!
Dead people beware. I'm after you.

Current mood: crazy

9:49PM - As the water runs down my back

Time vs. Me vs. Myself.


There goes the clock,
telling me I've wasted away.
There goes the sun,
I've lost another day.

I know I'm only crazy,
I know you're only in my mind.

So swing on by,
from time to time.
Tell me your leaving again.
And there goes the time,
try to catch it as it flies.

There goes the time.
There goes the time.

And here comes the rain,
hitting me as I lay dying.
There goes my mind,
running away from itself.

I know I'm only crazy,
I know you're only in my mind.

So swing on by,
from time to time.
Tell me you're leaving again.
And there goes the time,
try to catch it as it flies.

There goes the time.
There goes the...

Days I felt alive,
When time didn't chase me all day long.
The days I never cried,
when I could hear your voice from over mine.

So swing,
time to time.
There goes the,
catch it as it flies.


This isn't about anybody in particular. Definately NOT about DaviD. It's actually... in all reality... about me. and how I feel about myself in some twisted way. It's me against the clock in a race against myself. [x_x]

Current mood: accomplished

6:27PM

He sits and watches the sun set each day.
He watches his heart fade and fade.
With the passing of each day he knows:
His love was never enough.
And with these words he realises,
that he's about to collapse.


     I feel like I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. I feel the pressure each day. When things in my own life start to fall apart, I can barely breathe. I know that soon these things will end. Either he end this or I die. I love him, and I'm not leaving just yet.

Current mood: confused

6:15PM - Violins?

I feel horrible. I can feel my soul breaking, and my heart shattering. Am I over-reacting or is my intuition right again?
I've found out somethings about David that aren't really playing on my side. He had a secret GIRLFRIEND that no one knew about. Kristen could barely tell me. She found out the day he broke up with her; which was about 4 days into our relationship. I was okay. But I can feel it taking over me, like a storm covering the sky. I also heard that he is afraid that this relationship is going to fall apart. First of all. OF COURSE IT WILL!!! If I'm the only one doing anything for the two of us, we all know it will end. I already carry the wieght of the world. I can't handle the wieght of broken heart again. I know I just can't. 

On tuesday we saw each other again. The night ended when he kissed me. I could feel it, at that moment, I was at home. I could just feel he loved me. 

What if everyone is wrong and he does really love me? I know that he's shy. So maybe he's just shy around me too...

Current mood: anxious

10:44PM - Life, Love and The Used.

This weekend I had to help my sister move into MY room at my dad's house. Yes, that does mean it's no longer my room. I get to sleep on her couch. I mean I know my room was big... but who knew it could fit  so much stuf in there? I sure as hell didn't.

I was really sad too. I missed David so much and he never called. I mean, I know what you're thinking, and trust me: I didn't have a number to call!!! I hadn't asked for his cell number, so I had no way of reaching him!!! I wanted to call him so bad, but I couldn't.

I did get to talk to him tonight though!!! I was so glad. I missed him so much, I thought my world was ending!!! I know it's crazy of me to be so... CRAZY! but I have him, and I never see him. I want him. I get to see him on tuesday. We talked about more things that we never knew about each other... but now we know!!! 

I love his laugh. The laugh that passes through those sweet soft pink colored each time he finished saying "aww". The kind of laugh that lets you know that he IS infact blushing to the point of overheating his face. He really makes me happy. Inside and out. He speak to me in such a way that still tells me that he's not used to me yet. He's too shy! I wish he'd be okay with me now. But I'll give him time. I'm in no rush.

During my time this weekend, with each spare second I possessed, a tune was being played. The Bird And The Worm by The Used is now my favourite song! Everything about it is fucking amazing! It reminds me of a nightmare or a fun house. I can't fucking get enough!!!

I need sleep. So I will go.

Current mood: mischievous

4:15PM - Breathe, Just Breathe

It's friday! 
And as much as I love to hear those words... tonight is  a different story. At least for now. I'm left here, hanging like a rope in the sky, until someone can call me and tell me THEIR plans! I mean holy fucking christ.
You think that I wouldn't mind, because usually I wouldn't. But now I'm actually getting tired of that old charade. oh well. I mena it's not totally hopeless. Amy invited me to some bonding time. I prefer to call it girl time. Pretty much because we talki about things that guys stray from. If things work out and she does come over... I'm making chinese!!!

Yesterday I felt so crazy! I was all over the place... I mean hello! Calm your ass down Ryan James. 
You see, David gave me a bracelet--which I fucking love-- and I lost it. I have the total intuition thing that pretty much makes me crazy... and guess what... It worked. I completely freaked. In my mind, I thought that the bracelet was a symbol of David's love for me! AND I LOST IT! I totally went through this "David no longer likes me! Everything is over!!!" shoot me in my fucking head because I'm so dramatic thing. The best thing? After all of that craziness... I found the Bracelet. It was closer to me than I thought it to be. I found it in my sweater pocket that I had on my floor.

The way I see things; Davids love was never lost and it was with me throughout my horrible day, keeping me awake as I hoped I would see it again. Just as I hope to see David again.

This bracelet doesn't fit, but I carry it around in my hand. Until I have the real thing. It's all I really have.

Current mood: indescribable

5:34PM - Is This Love?

My first entry ever on this site that looks like just another way for me be addicted to the computer, and I don't know what I want to do.
I just met David,
I really like him. Hes my new Boyfriend<3
When I talk to him  feel so special... but while I'm away from him I feel unloved. Is this a normal thing that I'm feeling? or is this just me and my old game of 'DRIVE YOURSELF INSANE'? Or am I really falling for him? I feel like a puppy who's been alone all day, only to jump up at the sound of a voice. His voice in particular. I wish I could see him more often... He lives kinda far from me.
If he could come to my school things would be so much easier. For the both of us! he wouldn't have to deal with friends who would drop him if they ever found out about him being Gay. or... ad he called him self... Bi.

I don't mean to sound really fucking stupid and bitch about this but I mean... I thought he was GAY! I liked that about him. I mean, It's not like I like him any less because he's "Bi". but I feel that it complicates things even further. I used to claim that I was Bi... but it was only because I was disgusted and afraid of being gay. I guess I was just like everyone else. Never accepting the reality of this world. I was born this way! It's not like it's something I chose to be. The only thing I chose was to hide the truth. I complicated so much for myself and almost acheived in my mental self destruction. I think that is what David is doing... Maybe he just wont admit the fact that he is gay... maybe.

He hides himself from really important people in his life. I used to as well. But once I told my friends last year taht I was Bi... they loosened up and never once regretted being my friend! but in the summer, I came to terms with the fact that I truly was gay. I told my friends and they never once turned away. I knew they'd be okay. but my family was a different story. i was affraid they would no longer love and that they would hate me for being different. but I knew I was different, and I wanted them to know. Soon they all knew. But it wasn't as bad as I thought. My mom found out first, she hated me for a month. Now we're best friends and share alot with each other. My dad found out through my step mother who found out from my friends mom. He was so happy that he almost threw a party in my honour.

I guess, I'm just wishing that things would be the same for him. What if he becomes worse. What if he changes himself for the wrong reasons and brainwashes himself into being straight. I know I was close. but then i realised that I couldn't do it. I knew I had to change, and however slow I went has alot  to do with it. I came to terms with my self and agreed that i wasn't "completely straight". Now-a-days, I don't know who is! but still, I had to start somewhere. I just eventually came to terms that I was GAY! I knew what I liked, what I wanted, and compared what I had. I've never really felt comfortable with dating a girl. I was the worst boyfriend. But when it came to my first boyfriend, I knew I felt at home. not with him! just comfortable with a guy as my lover. 

I jus hope that David loves me too, and really means it. I don't want to keep feeing like this. I want to feel whole again. He's different then the others... He's here to stay. As long as he continues to love me too.

Current mood: drained